Moonlight Phoenix has risen

music, feminism, spirituality, words and more

Spring Cleaning My Life

on May 5, 2013

This is something I wrote probably about a month ago, I was going to put it my next issue of my zine ‘Dancing Barefoot’. However I wasn’t happy with the end result of the zine- as I’m now keeping this blog and have so many other journals and things on the go it’s getting harder to know what to write for my zine, so for now at least I’ve decided to put it on the back burner. I only sold a few copies of the three issues I did anyway. I was happy with this piece I wrote though so here it is.

In my last zine, I wrote a lot about endings. Now it’s spring although the weather outside doesn’t seem to realise it (as I write this there’s snow on the ground). A time of cleaning away the old to make room for the new.

Thanks to the amazing spiritual group I have joined this year, I have discovered more about myself and discovered I was stillclinging onto things that no longer serve me. A lot of things I did used to really enjoy, if I’m honest now have turned quite sour.

One of those things is the animal aid meetings I’ve been going to for several years. I will always be grateful to this group as I made so many friends because of it, and when I first joined, I loved it. In the last couple of years I’ve been less active due to work and other commitments, but I’ve still gone to meetings and helped out if I could. The group has changed a lot since I first joined. Now there are a lot of new people and many of the people I used to enjoy seeing there no longer attend. When I’ve been to the last few meetings I’ve struggled to be heard over all the many much louder voices, got frustrated when conversations would go off track constantly and I end up leaving feeling drained of energy and with a headache, wishing I hadn’t gone. Now I’ve made the decision to stop going to the meetings. I felt guilty, as I’ve been a member for so long, but I’ve had to tell myself that I shouldn’t be doing things that make me feel this way. I haven’t completely cut myself off, if they do any demo’s or activism I can help with then I will, as doing demo’s and activism still feels me with joy whereas the meetings don’t. I started my own feminist group last year so I also need the space to be able to commit to that.

The second thing I’ve had to let go of is feeling sorry for myself in regards to friends I once spent a lot of time with. There’s very good reasons why I don’t see these friends so often any more, but I’ve been feeling sad for a long time, clinging onto the notion that things would go back to the way they were. But the truth is, I’ve been doing that for the last two years, and those friendships are never going to go back to the way they were. Of course, they are still my friends, but I can no longer think of these people as my ‘best friends’. I need to let them get on with their lives and stop letting it get me down. I can create new close friendships which I’ve already started doing with many of the people in the spiritual group I’ve joined. I no longer need to be lonely, jealous or sad.

Probably the biggest decision I’ve made is to stop my radio show. I’ve also been doing this for years. I haven’t been enjoying it so much lately. I’m still passionate about music but it’s writing about music that I’m truly passionate about. Again I felt guilty, and it took me quite a while to make the decision as I was worried what the station would think, what the listeners would think, and worst of all, I felt like it was what made me an interesting person and a lot of people would define me by it, by stopping the show, would I still be the same person? Would I still be worth talking to? Well I have to see about the first but the latter answer I hope would always be yes. I might still do the occasional podcast, and if I really miss it after a while I could always bring it back, but for now I’m going to make it more blog based and really focus on my writing. The fact there was a minimal response to my announcement from listeners and no answer at all from the station just made it more feel like the right decision.

Maybe now I’ve let go of these things I can find the things that make me happy NOW and discover who I really am.

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