Moonlight Phoenix has risen

music, feminism, spirituality, words and more


on February 9, 2014

Today for my writing prompt I’ve been asked to write about my fears, what disturbs me, what I haven’t been willing to speak about. It’s interesting that this topic has come up today as it has been something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I think I’m slowly but surely losing most of my fears.

Last year I did both a fire walk (which was planned) and a glass walk (which was sprung on me by surprise but I did it) which was probably the start of it really. Then not too long ago, I saw there was going to be an Open Mic night organised by the fantastic Sundown, as part of the Playwright week taking place at a local theatre, and you could read poetry or stories. I thought this sounded interesting, and I thought should I read some of my work? But I was scared. I was scared about standing in front of a crowd. I was scared of slipping over my words. I was scared no one would like my work. I thought maybe I should go just to listen. But something inside me was saying I should take part. I put the question out there to my friends- “Should I?” and a lot of people thought I should. I was at a meeting where I had to speak in front of a large group, I felt uncomfortable. How on earth would I be able to read at an open mic if I got nervous in this setting? One of my friends made a valid point, “But you’ve walked on fire! You can do anything!” Hmmm, maybe it was time I faced this fear.

I put my name forward as you had to book your place in advance, hoping maybe they were already full. I got a reply very quickly. I was in, and I was reassured that a lot of people would be in a similar situation, reading for the first time. I had to go through with it now. I confirmed it to my friends and lots of people showed support and wanted to come along.

Not everybody could make it on the night, but there was still quite a few that did. I wondered on the day whether I had made the right decision- the right poems, was it right to go ahead with it at all? My stomach was full of butterflies all day.

I got to the venue and one of my friends was already there. Another friend showed up soon after. Then the ‘performers’ were called up to where the open mic was going to be. I felt queasy. I found more of my friends inside and some were also reading. We were told that that we had 5 minutes each and we would get called up. I tried to look at the list, I could see I wasn’t very far down but I couldn’t see exactly what time I had been put in for. Some people didn’t turn up anyway so it probably wouldn’t have made a difference if I had known. I watched the amazing Sundown poets, then I started to feel sick, as people went up and I knew it would be getting to me soon.

Then it came, they called my name.

Now I knew I wasn’t playing a game.

This was real, this wasn’t a dream.

I felt my legs shake, as I got to the mic

Holding my poems, I read each word out loud

Trying not to look at the crowd

I read one, then another

They clapped, and I sat

It was all over

I could breathe again.

I could now enjoy the other performers work more fully. When it was the break, all my friends came and hugged me. It wasn’t really as bad as I thought…



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